25 Random Things- twice over

I was tagged on Facebook to create a list of "25 Random Things" about myself. I thought long and hard about them and this is the list I created. While I was working on this list, and apparently taking too long, Ryan said that he could do it in about 5 seconds. So I challenged him to try it without looking at my incomplete list. I was surprised when he did in fact create a list of 25 very accurate facts about my personality in about 10minutes. So I am posting both lists.

25 random things about me.
1. I am allergic to bananas, this was discovered while doing allergy testing as a teenager. I didn't eat any for over a year until I decided that a stomach ache was worth the delicious flavor.

2. I love the smell of Pine-sol and use it nearly every day to clean my bathrooms.

3. Falling in love is one of my most favorite past times. I love to fall in love with my husband, daughter, books, movies, friends, life. I just love to be in love.

4. I don't have a truly favorite food because whatever food I am eating tends to be my "favorite". So much depends on my mood at the moment, I am a "texture" person when it comes to food.

5. I would rather read a book than watch TV and I will re-read books frequently, especially if they are in a series. I love the character development that comes from a series.

6. I did not like reading at all until I was a teenager, in fact I thought my mother was torturing me when she made me read books and then give her an accurate book report.

7. I have 7 sisters-2 biological sisters, 2 sisters-in-law and 3 sisters of my heart who will always be welcome in my home and may call me any time of day or night. Even if I don't always answer;)

8. I believe loyalty is the most important quality in a best friend... "A friend will help you move, but a best friend will help you move a body"

9. I have never kept a journal until I discovered blogging. I love to blog.

10. I love to eat, but I don't like to cook. So I ordered pre-planned weekly menu's (with shopping lists included) from savingdinner.com which was created by a registered dietitian.

11. Swinging on the swing set has been the activity that I love the most on the playground since I can remember. I especially like the tire swings.

12. Roller coasters are the best part of any theme park, I especially like the ones that go upside-down and make your tummy feel like its landing in your feet.

13. After having a child I started crying at the most random things and now I can't stop. Its a curse that I will endure because my daughter is the best gift I have ever been blessed with.

14. I took swing dancing lessons in college as a PE class and have wanted to join a swing dancing club ever since. Unfortunately for me, my husband doesn't even come close to sharing my passion for dancing. Also when allowed to dance "free-style" I look like a frog in a blender.

15. I really like New England clam chowder with a plain bagel with cream cheese. Fattening and delicious. That meal would ideally be followed with a chocolate- peanut butter or chocolate-caramel milkshake.

16. My guilty secret is that I like to watch pro-football. It may have to do with the fact that I understand the rules of the game. I don't have a favorite team, I just choose based on the best looking uniforms, unless it's a high school game in which case I of course root for the home team.

17. Science fascinates me, especially marine biology. I don't really like the beach, it's too cold, but I am fascinated with marine life. When Caitlin goes off to elementary school I would like to pursue a Masters in Education so that I can share my passion for science with a new generation.

18. I adore music. I like nearly all music as long as I can understand the words or it at least has a good beat. Before I met Ryan, I only listened to country on the radio and Grateful Dead, Moody Blues, Billy Joel and Enya on CD. Now I enjoy all music and like to have background music all the time.

19. I would LOVE to have a tattoo, but 1) Ryan doesn't like them and 2)More importantly-I don't like pain and I think that they're very painful. and 3) I am not sure exactly what I would have tattooed permanently on my body.

20. I have had my belly button pierced and ears pierced but let both close. I would like to have my ears pierced again, but that would require wearing more jewelry than just my wedding ring. I like to look at jewelry but it seems like a lot of work to coordinate it with my clothing.

21. I love the idea of being "high maintenance" but the reality is that I am the one who would have to get up early to fuss with my hair and clothes and it's sooo not worth it. I would like someone else to fuss over me while I continue to sleep. Plus it's really expensive to be high maintenance and I'm cheap.

22. I love to be "environmentally conscious" and force my family (Ryan) to recycle as much as possible. Caitlin doesn't have to be forced-I just tell her that we're doing it help save the Polar Bears. I like to read the The Green Book: The Everyday Guide to Saving the Planet One Simple Step at a Time for new ideas on how to live "green".

23. I have a wonderful large family just like I've always wanted. When I was a little girl I decided that I would have 6 kids so that I could have a large, loud, happy family. I have only one child, but I have still been blessed with a large, loud, happy family. 18 members of my extended family live within only 30 minutes of me.

24. I love animals of all kinds but especially dogs, cats and horses. We had a dog for seven years until she died of cancer, and I still have a cat but have yet to own a horse. Again with the high amount of maintenance and expense issue. I want to get another dog, but I feel guilty because Ryan and I both work all day and can't take a puppy to work with us the way I did with Casey when she was a puppy.

25. I like to compile lists of sayings and quotes that mean something to me. I found this one on goodreads.com and thought that it summed up nicely exactly what I had been trying to do for many years- make my own bible. "Make your own Bible. Select and collect all the words and sentences that in all your readings have been to you like the blast of a trumpet."— Ralph Waldo Emerson


Ryan's list of 25 random things about Sarah
1. I want to buy a house.
2. I stress over everything including losing sleep.
3. I love to read, romance novels especially.
4. I love to talk on the phone to friends and family. Even to my husband who doesn't like talking on the phone.
5. I lose everything.
6. I never spend money on my self.
7. I absolutely love my daughter.
8. I want my husband to take Caitie on over-night trips but I secretly hate it.
9. I get jealous when Caitie wants her dad more than me. I am happy about it , but jealous.
10. I have found that I like turkey and chicken yet I feel guilty about it.
11. I HATE to cook.
12. I love hanging out with family, but not all together -too much drama.
13. I love to talk and tell stories.
14. I always have to worry about something.
15. I want to learn to dance.
16. I want to explore the world, even though Ryan doesn't. I'm jealous that he has been a lot of places.
17. I want a new job, to be a teacher.
18. I want to give Ryan everything he wants which is why I let him buy things even though it drives me crazy that he spends so much money.
19. I love and hate that everyone calls me to complain.
20. I love the fact that I am getting older. I embrace age. Unlike Ryan who runs from it.
21. I enjoy going for walks with the family when its warm. I hate going when its cold.
22. I love snow, when I'm not in it. But I am scared to drive in it. (Don't tell Ryan) I want to feel confidant at it.
23. I enjoy spending time by myself as much as I hate it.
24. I love riding horses and would love to take lessons.
25. I love hanging out with my husband. I even go fishing with him even though I despise fishing.

Sleep Beautiful Sleep.

Sleeping is such an underrated activity. It's rejuvenating, relaxing, and passes unwanted time quite nicely. This is all being said because I fell asleep last night at 7.20pm. I didn't wake up again until 6.20 this morning. Ryan and Caitlin on the other hand had a very hot and restless night. Since staying up with Caitlin when she has a fever has always been my job, I don't feel that bad for Ryan, it's about time he had a turn taking care of a sick kid. I do however feel sorry for Caitlin because apparently her fever lasted all night and at one point she thought she might need to throw up. It's miserable to be sick. They're coming home today hopefully leaving all germs behind them. I don't have a lot else to say, exhaustion took its toll and I didn't even need the assistance of cold medicine to go to sleep and stay that way. That cat was smart enough to not yowl all night or if she did I was tired enough to not hear her. Life is good again.

Rotten Cat

Well I tried really hard to relax and go to sleep last night. I did all the meditation and relaxation stuff that I know how to do and just when I thought I was going to finally get some sleep, my cat decided to race around the house and yowl and cry. Up across my bed, back out the bedroom door, down the hall, up the cat tree, across the couch, through the kitchen, back down the hall, into Caitie's bedroom, back into my room, across the foot of the bed, up to the head of the bed and back out of my room. She was a terror! Seriously, I considered kicking her outside. She has always been an indoor cat but I have now gone more 36 hours without sleep because just when I was about to fall asleep she started in with the nighttime shenanigans. Rotten cat. Hopefully tonight will be better. As is typical of Caitlin when on a one day trip to Grandma's house, she came down with a 103 degree temperature. So Ryan is staying "home" with her tomorrow, but home being at Grandma's house so that she didn't have to endure a 2 1/2 hour car ride with a fever. Plus at Grandma's house you get chocolate with your Motrin. I feel amazingly good for having not slept last night, and I am hoping that I can hold out just a little longer so that true exhaustion will set in and I will sleep like the dead for the remainder of the night, and so that my cat will live to see another day.

Its official...I'm a big baby

I should be sleeping right now. It's 1.14am for crying out loud. But no, I'm awake sitting at the computer, with the cat in my lap, debating on whether to start reading another book or to lie in bed and think about the sleep that is eluding me. The problem is that I am home alone. Ryan and Caitlin are off at the coast visiting my parents and I'm too much of a baby to go to bed alone. I always anticipate these nights that I have to myself with great relish. I imagine going to bed early, having the whole bed to myself, no one snoring, no one clinging to me (Caitlin tends to leech on...) but when it comes down to it, I really really really don't like to be alone. It's creepy and lonely and the cat offers no sense of protection. I live in Mayberry so there's very little threat of someone breaking in, but its still creepy to be all alone. I tried once in college to go without a roommate, I don't think I even lasted a whole semester. I force myself to stay home alone on these random nights, partly because I have to work in the morning, and partly because I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can do it. I am a big girl- I should start to act like it. So here I am at 1 in the morning thinking about sleep and how tired I am gonna be tomorrow and the fact that I don't like coffee and I'm not particularly fond of soda pop so getting caffeine is gonna be difficult. I should just give in and call one of my friends to come sleep on the couch or head over to Chani's. I have a house key and if I call first she won't freak out too much, but that seems a bit on the selfish side to disturb someone else's sleep because I don't like being alone. I can do it, even if I don't want or like to. Maybe I can put on one of Ryan's shirts and snuggle with Caitie's stuffed animals and sleep in Ryan's spot with lots of pillows crowded around me so that I am uncomfortable like usual and turn the radio on to some obnoxious noise that could resemble snoring....Then get all huffy because I can't sleep with all that racket and move to the couch. I bet I could sleep then! I'm gonna go try it. I'll let you know later how it worked out for me. If all else fails, I can always read a book until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Wish me luck, I hope you're all getting a nice peaceful night of sleep. And the next time Ryan and Caitie decide to leave without me- remind me to take some NyQuil so that I can pass out until they get home.

I am a DORK!

Last night I spoke to a youth group at my friends church. She is the Director of Youth Ministries and had invited me to come speak. Several months ago there was a discussion regarding premarital sex and I, being the opinionated woman that I am, had lots to say on the issue. Foolishly I didn't go at that time, when I could have spoken with some sense of clarity. Then about three weeks ago she invited me to come speak about whatever I felt like. In her defense she was willing to give me a topic, but I didn't say that I needed one for sure so she let me wing it. Her mistake! I decided to give the message that no matter the speed bumps you encounter in life God is still going to hold you stronger than a seat belt. Unfortunately despite having plenty of time to prepare, I wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say and what came out was a whole lot of bleh. I feel like a total nerd and the youth in her church are so polite none of them said a word. I am pretty sure that after embarrassing myself, and my Megan, that I won't be requested to speak again. From last nights discussion you would never know that I hold a Bachelor's in Communication! Oh well live and learn I guess, I am not cut out to be a Youth Minister. Now I know.

Every Woman Should Know...

While I was looking at quotes on good reads today I came across this ish-poem. I had read it once before when I was in college and I found that I like it as much now as I did then. My favorite poem is still Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken, but I thought that this one was worth sharing as well. Hope you enjoy it.

"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..... a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year..."
— Pamela Redmond Satran

Funny things Caitie has said...

Last night we had to go buy more cat food because my cat was starving-her food bowl had been mostly empty for an entire day! On the way home Ryan asked if I wanted a milkshake, as if that was even a question, of course I wanted a milkshake, so we went to the ice cream store got our milkshakes and headed home. Then Caitlin asked if we could watch a movie-"that everyone wants to watch". As it was Thursday and not our normal TV day, and a school night, my inclination was to say no, but what fun are rules if you can't break them every once in a while. Ryan and I were nearly silently discussing this suddenly very important decision when Caitlin said, "Hello! Is anyone going to AHKNOWLEDGE me?!" We of course started laughing and decided that a movie would be ok. Ryan was impressed with her vocabulary and use of a "big word" too which Caitie responded, "Mommy always says you need to ahknowledge someone when they are speaking to you." Duh Daddy. She just cracks me up sometimes, the things a 5 year old says.

When she was only 4- like that was so long ago- she woke up with a severe stomach ache, probably from acid reflux, at about 4:30 in the morning and in a really plaintive voice said, "Son a B, it just hurts so bad!" Again this was a moment of parroting things she heard me say. My favorite cuss word saying used to be "Son of B*tch" whenever I dropped something or hurt myself. I switched to son of B when she started copying the full word.

And finally the funniest thing I think she has ever said was when she was about 2 1/2 -3 years old. She was being particularly sassy and driving me a bit nuts so I asked her how old she thought she was. Her completely deadpan response was "I'm learning how to be a teenager."

I feel so blessed to have such and entertaining little girl in my life. She is so smart, sassy, and hilarious all the time!

New memories, old pictures

Well I was correct, yesterday was a TON of fun-at least for Caitlin and I. Megs and I had a nice visit, played in the park with Caitlin, walked to the grocery store and then had a wonderful dinner with some of my extended family-in-law. Ryan had to work through the dinner, but Megan joined us, and I believe she was a bit overwhelmed by the size and sound of our family. It was even a relatively calm evening. Granted there were 18 people including the kids, and my mother in law's condo is only about a thousand square feet, so it was a little chaotic at times, but that's what makes it so special. There is always something going on close by and probably at a decibel guaranteed to cause hearing loss. Megs comes from a much smaller, quieter, less rambunctious family. Its good for her to expand her horizons. Then today after church and the changing of the vestry ceremony-ish thing Caitie and I drove down to visit darling Shannon and my God Children. The sun was still shining so Caitie and Ally-bug played outside on the swing set until it was just too cold, then they came inside to warm up and play babies. Little Matthew is a whopping 21 lbs at nearly 7 months old and he's too big for the girls to carry around, much to their disappointment, so they carried dolls around instead. After dinner, when we really should have been heading home,(Shannon doesn't seem to have clock in her house so I actually had no idea what time it was) we set up the picture studio. Shannon is a part-time professional photographer. She has all the studio equipment, the professional digital camera and the expertise, just not the time with two kids and a full time job managing a camera store. So she takes photos when she has time on the weekends and occasionally by appointment. Today we dressed the girls up in little "angel" costumes and "fancy" dresses and posed them as though they were models. Both girls loved the attention and the chance to "model". Shannon took about 200 photos but by the time we finished the modeling session it was too late to download and edit them. Hopefully she'll be able to get to it soon though. Instead I will leave you with some really cute photos of Caitlin from when she was just under two years old. These were some of the first photos Shannon took when she was setting up her photography business.

It's a 3 Day Weekend!

Today is gonna be a great day, I can just feel it. The first thing I heard when I woke up was my husband saying quietly "I love you Sarah" as he was leaving our bedroom because he works on Saturdays. Then Caitie, bless her little heart (and my good Saturday morning training), slept in until 9.20am. She woke up and asked if it was 'staying home with mommy day' when I said yes she was really happy and said "Those are my favorite days!" I love to wake up that way. Now its 10am and we've had breakfast and I opened the curtains to blue skies and sunshine. My friend Megan is coming over to hang out with us for the day, tonight we're gonna have a family dinner with Tia Suzie and Uncle Ernie and all the cousin's who are in this area and then I still have two more days off! Tomorrow after church we'll go to my darling Shannon's house since she's still recovering from gall bladder surgery to visit and Caitie and Alexandria will be "models" in their dress up clothes. Then on Monday we're going over to Rick and Laura's to play with cousins Jack, Sean and Lucy. I hope the sun keeps shining all weekend and we get lots of opportunities to play outside in the fresh air. Also we have my car back and the only problem was the number 6 cylinder was misfiring so the whole repair only cost $300! I am feeling very happy right now and am really looking forward to the rest of the weekend.

New random playlist

I really like my play list most of the time and I am oddly addicted to the I Kissed a Girl song, but I decided it was time for a change. I log onto my blog page frequently so that I can access everyone else's blogs, but I only ever get through part of the first song, so I randomized it. Now every time you leave and come back to my blog a new song should start. I really like that. In other news my car is headed into the shop tomorrow evening. It has been having issues sort of stuttering and acting like it wasn't getting enough fuel for about a week now, so I had Ryan and our friend Jason change the spark plugs on Sunday while I was at church. We thought (for the first day) that the problem was solved. No such luck, as I was driving home from work this evening- on the freeway around 60miles per hour- my automatic transmission vehicle stalled! Not in a convenient location of the freeway either, but in a curvy, no place to pull over location. Pretty much freaked me out because unlike my nice standard transmission on the other vehicle, I couldn't restart the stinkin' thing until I had come to a complete stop and put it in park. Really annoyed the other commuters who were stuck behind me also. So I called the mechanic and set up an appointment for them to fix it right away. Hopefully it is something easy to access and inexpensive to fix. Sigh. Well there is no getting around it I have to have my car to drive to work. I can't wait for the new commuter train to start running at the end of this month. I hate commuting and since Ryan works the same schedule that I do now, I can take the train and listen to my mp3 player or read a book instead of driving! Hooray:)

A really quick update.

I thought I would let everyone know how I've been doing with my Resolutions so far this year...

1. I am good to go on the lack of guilt with chocolate. Ol' Choco and I have been getting along famously and I don't feel even an ounce of guilt. Yeah me.

2. In the staying healthy department I'm ok also. Granted I made that resolution very general so that I could keep it. But I have actually managed to exercise a little bit every day this week, not the really healthy aerobic kind, but the "I walked instead of drove" kind. Still better than nothing.

3. And I am 1 for 2 on forcing myself into church. I went yesterday but not the week before. In my defense I stayed up later on this Saturday than I did last Saturday so lack of sleep on my part was not the inhibiting factor the first week. It was the fact that Caitlin slept for 14 straight hours- by herself!- and didn't wake up until 10:25am. I was dressed and ready to go by 9:45 and she still wasn't even awake, so I figured if she was that tired I would let her sleep as long as she need to.

Over all I feel good about my resolutions, they were broad enough to keep.

Hooray for Babies...

I am feeling very happy and jealous at the same time right now. One of my girlfriends just told me that she is pregnant- with TWINS!! Lucky girl. I am actually very very happy for her because the first time that I miscarried, she also miscarried. We were sad together and she's been trying to get prego ever since. Yesterday she had the first of many upcoming ultrasounds and the doctor told her that "both heartbeats" are very strong. I think she said she's around 12 weeks already and pretty much past the major risk period for miscarrying. So I am super happy for her but jealous at the same time. There's just no getting around that ol' green eyed monster. Especially because I know 3 other pregnant people right now, and an old friend from high school just had a little boy. It's raining babies! Yeah for those new mama's. I wish them all babies that like to sleep through the night from the beginning. Also I am wishing for my darling Shannon to have a speedy recovery from the gall bladder surgery that she had yesterday. I am definitely NOT jealous of her right now!;)

Ryan's Fishing so I'm Not Sleeping

It's 1.08am and ridiculously I am awake, updating my blog profile, despite that fact that I have a perfect opportunity for some undisturbed sleep! Caitlin is sound asleep *in my bed* where she has been since 8:30pm last night. She cried herself to sleep after Ryan left to go spend the night closer to his fishing location. To be fair crying because daddy is spending a night away is not a common occurrence in our household. She was over tired and he usually doesn't spend the night away for fishing trips in the winter months, so it was a sad night indeed. As she was drifting off her last words were "I am so sad, half my family is gone and not with me." Such a drama queen. You'd think that he was going to be gone for weeks or months the way she was carrying on rather than less than 24 hours. Oh well she'll be over it when she wakes up and remembers that mama Tina left German Chocolate Cake! in the fridge for our special breakfast before I drag her to church.
She has gotten out of the habit of going and she's concerned about being too hungry during the service which is going to be "...boring because all you do is stand up, sit down, kneel, stand up, kneel, sing some songs, sit down, be quiet, stand up. kneel,....and they don't let me drink anything from the big silver cup". Oh the torture of being a five year old during an Episcopalian Eucharist service. She used to LOVE going to church, clearly her memory has retained only the "boring" parts. I will try, as a good mommy, to alleviate some of her concerns by packing a bag of food and a bottle of water. Although I think she was exaggerating the amount of kneeling that we do, there is quite a bit of stand up/sit down involvement. And, there is just no getting around the fact that I still think she is too young to partake in communion, so she will continue to receive a blessing at the altar rail instead. That is assuming that we make it considering the fact that it is one o'clock in the morning and I am still awake.
A year ago I would have said that going to church was not necessary to retain ones faith, but considering my state of soul lately, I feel like asking for help in that department is an absolute necessity. So until I trust that His will for my life matches My will for my life, lack of sleep is not an acceptable excuse to skip. Oh well, I only made three resolutions this year one of which was to retain my faith even if it meant dragging myself into church on Sunday morning. Here's to not throwing the alarm clock across the room and to 10:30am services!

New Year, New Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone. I have never been big on resolutions since I don't keep them anyway, so why bother? But I decided that this year is going to be different, I am going to make resolutions that are realistic. Here they are:

1. I resolve to eat chocolate when I want and not feel guilty.

2. I resolve to do one thing each week for my health, even if it means just playing tag in the park with Caitlin.

3. I resolve to retain my faith, even when it seems impossible, even if it means forcing myself out the door on Sundays.

These are adapted to my life from resolutions that I found a few years ago written by Cheryl Mclary the author of The Commitment Chronicles. Her list was 25 items long and way too overwhelming for me, not to mention the fact that they didn't all pertain to me. So I read through her old list, and thought about what I want out of my life in this new year. I came up with these three that I feel are reasonable for me. We'll see if I have the will power to stick these out through the entire year. Wish me luck!

The Mom Song

I think my mom sent me the link to this You Tube video, but I can't remember for sure. Either way it was so funny that I thought I would share. Also an update since last night... I feel incredibly less lost today. I am still angry and struggling with my faith but a good nights sleep snuggled up in my husbands loving arms helped with the sadness that was overwhelming me yesterday. That combined with blabbing incessantly on this bloggy thing. I hope you enjoy the mom song. You'll need to scroll to the bottom of the page and pause/stop the music on my playlist in order to hear this... Totally worth watching it's such a funny video.

Warning..long winded and whiny

First let me start by saying that the following is going to be long winded and whiny. I am feeling icky in the soul right now, not to mention the major attack of PMS, and I feel the need to vent so skip this post if you don't want to listen to my complaining. I promise to post happy Christmas memories soon but I need to get this off my chest now because for the second night in a row I am up unable to sleep worrying.
Here goes.....

I am struggling with my faith. Which is something very odd for me because while I tend to not be preachy about my faith, it has always been VERY important to me and a very integral part of who I am. I am struggling because I am so ANGRY with God. I can't understand why someone who loves us so much can allow us to experience such pain and loss. What is the purpose for it?
I haven't been to church since the "remember the people" service at the end of May. They asked me to come and stand in for a set of parents who had lost their young son. Some of the people knew that I had also just experienced the same loss, but many, including the lady who asked didn't know those details. When she found out she was very kind and offered to find another person to stand in for these parents, but at the time I was still in a bit of shock myself and felt like I should do this. I ended up leaving in tears and haven't been back since. That's not to say that I haven't prayed or raged as needed, its just that I haven't been back to church. Father Tony- the priest at my church- said that God has a good sense of self esteem and that I should just rage and yell as much as I need to, He can take it. I have tried that, and while sometimes it helps, other times its just not enough. I felt like enough time had past since May when we suffered this loss, so I tried to go to church this morning, but when it came down to it I couldn't go. I feel such hurt and anger in my heart that I want to punish God the way I feel like He is punishing me. I have been reading my friends blogs and some of their friends blogs- they all seem so strong in their faith that God is in control and he has a plan for them and their lives and it makes me seriously question my faith. If I am not being punished then why did this happen? One of my friends said that maybe it wasn't God, maybe it was the Devil, and so I should place my anger and blame in the correct direction, but sometimes its too hard to do that. I feel as though God had the ability to prevent this from happening. I did EVERYTHING right this time. I was a.) Married. b.) Financially prepared c.) Healthy- eating right, exercising (and I hate to exercise). I even waited through three sets of blood tests and an early ultra sound appointment to tell Caitlin. Nothing like a previous miscarriage to make someone cautious. His little heart beat was so strong, both at the 9 week ultrasound and the 12 week ultrasound. The doctors said that his heart was working double time to compensate for having only 3 heart chambers. They also told me it's not any ones fault, trisomy thirteen is just a genetic anomaly and it's relatively rare. I was very low risk for any genetic defects. Unfortunately I seem to be the queen of the "very low risk". Like the chances of me having Caitlin 2 and 1/2 months early- less than 20%. Guess what- My liver and kidneys shut down and she was born by emergency c-section 2 and 1/2 months early. The chances of the polydactyly that was discovered in an ultrasound being caused by trisomy 13? Less than 5%. I know this because I underwent a very painful CVS(chorionic villus sampling) test which should have taken 10 or less minutes and lasted a little over a half an hour. The results of which should have been back in a week and took 3 weeks to come back. To be fair the initial results- which were 95% accurate came back only a few days later and they were negative for Trisomy 13- a fatal condition, Trisomy 18- also a fatal condition, and Trisomy 21- Downs syndrome, which is what I was praying for when the ultrasound showed severe birth defects. At least with that one there was a chance for survival. But the initial results were wrong which is why it took so long to get the final results because they had the director of the lab reviewing the case and they decided to let the cells grow out longer just to be sure. Meanwhile I was becoming more and more attached emotionally to this child growing inside me and then I felt him start moving and he became impossibly real. It wasn't enough that my tummy was growing and body changing, but I could FEEL him. If God was gonna call him back to heaven anyway why let it go that far? Why not just have the pregnancy end in early miscarriage the way the last one did? As painful as that was, this was 100 times worse. This baby was REAL. So here I am more than six months later still struggling with this loss. I went to counseling a couple times a week for months until my counselor told me that I was "cured" there was nothing else she could help me with, I had all the tools that I needed to grieve this loss and now only time would help. I feel like enough time has past. I should have accepted this by now. What is WRONG WITH ME!!?? My mother in law- who is a nurse midwife- said that the grief process generally lasts a year and I am beginning to believe her. Most days I feel OK, like I have accepted this and I'm able to move on and then other days- like today- I feel a nearly overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. We lost our seven year old dog only a few weeks after losing our baby and I don't feel the same sense of sadness over that loss. Why is that? Casey had cancer and died only 3 weeks after the diagnosis, I had months to prepare for the loss of this child and yet I still became so attached in such a short time. So that even now all these months later my throat actually aches with the need to cry and scream and rage. When I went in to see my counselor after his due date, she said that certain times of year were likely to trigger this response- the time of conception, (we planned this pregnancy so I know exactly when we conceived) the expected date of delivery (already had that trigger, it sucked and sent me back to her office) and again at the time of loss (I am sure it's going to be the most painful yet). I cried on Ryan's shoulder tonight off and on for a few hours and then got mad at him because he doesn't feel the same overwhelming emotions that I do. He's just so much stronger than I am. He is grateful to have Caitlin, and willing to try again if I still want more kids. Which I do, but I am not particularly interested in trying again, at least right now. First of all I don't like being pregnant, its nauseating, fattening, tiring and hasn't really worked out the way I wanted or expected in the past. Second of all I have a fear of failure and three times now I have failed to carry a pregnancy to term. At least with the first one I eventually got to bring home a child. I want someone else to have a baby and give it to me. I used to want 6 kids. Now I am not sure if I could handle them. Maybe that is why I have only one. Maybe God does have a plan for me and He knows that I would run away screaming if He allowed me to have 6. But if that is the case, why let me get pregnant at all? Why torture me with the guilt that I feel because I couldn't protect the ones that I have carried? I am so angry and frustrated and I want my faith to be strong enough to get me through this time and I don't know if it is. I am so afraid of losing my faith entirely and yet I can't even make myself walk into the church to ask for help.
Thanks for listening if you did read through this entire post. It helped just to "talk it out". I have one more opportunity to go to church before the end of the year, on New Years Eve, my church offers a noon Eucharist on Wednesdays. I pray that I will find the strength to go in before the year is over.

Meeting Santa at the Aquarium

While we were at the beach in the begining of the month Caitlin and I had an opportunity to visit the Oregon Coast Aquarium. I was a volunteer at the aquarium for two years during highschool so the place holds a special spot in my heart. Caitlin had never been to the aquarium and I was really looking forward to showing it to her. Unfortunately for me, she wasn't particularly interested in most of the aquarium information. Santa was available for pictures and they were offering face painting- one of Caitie's most favored activities. She did touch of few of the tidepool animals which was a first for her, usually she just watches me. I tried to give her some education regarding the animals and their habitat, but I am not sure how much of it sunk in. Oh well one step at a time- at least she touched the sea stars. The aquarium opened at night on the last Friday and Saturday that we were in town as a benefit for the Lincoln County Food Share, which was desperately low on food. The entrance fee was waived if each person brought at least two cans/boxes of food. We went both nights and brought a lot of food each night. I am always impressed by Caitlin's generousity and compassion. When I explained why we were giving food, she immediately wanted to give more and maybe to buy some toys to give also. She may not have learned much about habitat conservation or the animals themselves, but she certainly learned about helping our fellow humans in their times of need.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas!

Last week we went to the tree farm where Caitie picked out this very full beautiful tree. Ryan was thrilled because I always choose a Noble Fir but he prefers whatever this kind is called. He says it looks like a Christmas tree should. Caitlin was super excited to get it home and set up. She had already opened the box of ornaments before we had even left to get the tree. For quite some time now Caitlin has LOVED Hello Kitty, which I have always been amused by because she had never read a Hello Kitty book (if they even have those) or watched a Hello Kitty movie when she fell in love with the little character. This Hello Kitty ornament was supposed to go into her stocking but she saw it in the cart so she got it for "good behavior in the store" instead. It is still one of two of her favorite ornaments. The other is from "Chani" and is a hot pink, sequened evening gown with feathers on the bottom. A couple of days after we set up the tree my mom and Arda came over and brought presents. While we have pretty much finished our shopping we haven't wrapped everything yet, so it was nice to see presents under the tree. Christmas day isn't coming fast enough for Caitie. Each evening she asks us if "the next day" is Christmas. This is despite a "countdown" calendar that Aravinda had the kids make and decorate a few weeks ago. We're really looking forward to Christmas this year, especially because Caitlin is totally into it this year. Not just the giving and recieving of gifts, although that plays a major part for her, but also the listening to the Christmas music, making decorations, cookies, looking at lights and spending time with family. Of course the hot cocoa and chocolate, and seeing Santa at the mall help too.

Super Fun Snow Day

Caitie and I have been back home for a week now and it has been lovely. She skipped a week of pre-school while we were visiting the beach, but now that we're home its life and school as almost usual. The difference being that I went to school with her to volunteer in her classroom and she has only 1/2 days for December. It's good to be five! The school week was pretty much uneventful but this weekend it started SNOWING!! For those of you who are blessed with wonderous powdery white stuff every winter this news probably isn't as exciting is it is to the rest of us. I love to look at the snow and think about going outside to play in it, but the reality is that I can't stand to be cold so am mostly grateful that snow doesn't make a regular appearance in our winter lives. Caitlin and Ryan on the other hand probably would live in Antartica if they thought they could convince me to move with them. While they were having a snow ball fight yesterday I took these fun pictures.

"Water surfing" and Hit it Daddy!

Caitlin and I are in Newport for the next week and have been here since the day after Thanksgiving. We decided that since my boss reconstructed the budget and I get to have December off after all, that we would go visiting. First stop- Grandma's House! It seems that we never have enough time when we come to the beach to do all the things that we want to and to see all the people that I want to, so this week that's what we'll be doing. Our original plan was to just spend the weekend, since we had Thanksgiving with Ryan's family and Ryan had to work on Friday and Saturday. The only draw back to our new plan was that we would miss Ryan too much. Being a smarty Ryan solved that little dilemma by coming here Saturday after work, with the boat of course. This morning the sun was shining and the sky was blue- a real treat for us coasties. We took the boat out on the bay for a few hours of crabbing and every time we would start the engine Caitlin would giggle and say HIT IT DADDY! Sometimes she gets confused between our fishing boat and Uncle Rick's ski boat. While water skiing/inner tubing is one of our most favored summer time activities, I don't think she would like it so much in the middle of Autumn. Following our boating excursion we went to the beach for some fun in the sand and surf. Amelia, Caitlin, Becca ( my friend Traci's daughter) Ryan and I all went to Agate Beach to collect rocks and play play play. The kids were SO funny. They would run up to the waves, scream, giggle, run away and repeat. They did this process several times until a rather large (for them) wave caught them around mid leg and knocked the trio down, then pushed them toward shore. The looks on their faces were priceless. The weren't sure whether or not to be frightened so they checked out my reaction, and since I was laughing so hard I almost fell over, they decided that "water surfing" was fun. Cold but worth trying again. I kept trying to explain that it's called body surfing but I am not sure they ever actually caught on which is really just fine since the point was to just have fun and they did that. Being the super smart parents that we are, we didn't remember to pack extra clothes to change them into for the ride home. So Ryan gave up his shirt, and I gave up my sweatshirt and we got a blanket out of the car to wrap the third child in and then stripped the little munchkins naked on the beach so that most of the sand in their clothes could stay on the beach. The other two girls parents may think twice before agreeing to let their kids go to the beach with us again since they came home wearing only Ryan's and my shirts. It was a great day and the perfect beginning to what I hope will be a perfect mommy/daughter vacation.

Like being in highschool all over again...

Last night I had a child and husband free slumber party with my girlfriend Shannon. It was really fun for both of us. A LOT like being back in high school. Since I LOVED high school, it was a total blast. Ryan and Caitlin went to Grandma and Grandpa's at the beach for the night to help set up their new big screen TV and Shannon left her two munchkins at her home with their dad. Then we went to the mall and found a fun little Italian cafe for dinner and were off to see Twilight the movie. I was both happy and sad with the movie. I think that they left out a couple of parts of the book that could have been added easily so that was sad but I think they pegged a couple of the characters perfectly. Particularly Emmett, Rosalie and Alice. I am still undecided on the person who played Jasper and I wish they would have shown Jasper and Bella's relationship at the hotel more. They completely bypassed Jasper's gifts which was annoying. Oh well, I think that if I hadn't read the books before watching the movie I wouldn't have felt like anything was missing. We stayed up until 4am giggling and talking and then got up again around 10am to start again. Unfortunately Shannon and her husband got into a tiff on the phone and she had to leave early but it was still an overall fun time.

Twilight...

Saturday afternoon my darling Shannon stopped by with a wonderful gift for me... 4 new books. The Twilight series that they're making the movie out of. Ahh I LOVE books. And these ones in particular are addictive. I discovered sadly that I am not 20 years old any more and staying up all night to read is exhausting. Everything is exhausting these days, at least everything fun. So by Sunday evening I had read books one and two and now half way through the day on Monday I am about half way done with book three. I can't wait to read book four and then see the movie. Shannon said that I will need to take a "mental health" day so that I can stay home uninterrupted and read book four. She may be right, because I will probably stay up all night reading and then need the day to sleep. I first heard of these books from my cousin Amy's blog site and how she was super excited for the newest book to come out. At the time I thought I would eventually have to check them out but they weren't high on my reading list- I had two or three other series to catch up/keep up with. Then a few weeks later Shannon started RAVING about this book she randomly picked up and how they're made a movie out of it and how she HAD to get all of them. Now I know what all the fuss is about and I really like this author. Shannon is currently reading another book by the same author *I can't remember the name of it right now* but she says its great too. I can hardly wait to read that one next. I REALLY love books.

When you're having a bad day...

Handle every situation like a dog: If you can't eat it or chew it; pee on it and walk away.

My husband is wonderful

Last night Ryan made my favorite and his LEAST favorite food- Lasagna. He and his brother Matt despise it because when their older sister Kim had cancer, their parents had to leave them with some friends for a week or so and the friends parents gave them lasagna every day for dinner the whole time they were there. Torture for a couple of 7-9 year olds. The point of this is that Ryan made it for me even though he hates it. All because he loves me. I am special. I broke down the night before and cried and cried for a REALLY long time because I am not nearly as well adjusted as I thought about the grief and loss of earlier this year. I have lots of rage left and I have (since the due date) apparently been going from "zero to bitch and back" in nothin' flat. I wasn't really ready to deal with what has been bugging me so I have been crabby about all the little things that usually don't matter instead. I think Ryan may have been relieved that I finally faced why I feel the way I do and that I made another appointment with my counselor. So he made a special dinner for me. I am a lucky girl to have such a good husband.

Happy Birthday Ryan!

Well today was Ryan's 30th Birthday. I was more excited (as usual) than he was. Partly because I love any excuse to eat birthday cake and partly because he wasn't happy to be turning 30. I think he feels old. First he got up at 4:45am to take his boat out fishing. I have never understood the need to get up before the sun but that is what he likes to do so more power to him, then when he came home around 10:30-11am I made from scratch buttermilk pancakes for all of us and bacon for Ryan and his brother Matt. After brunch Ryan and Matt played American Rock Band 2 (Birthday Gift) on the X-Box while Caitlin and I went shopping to exchange an outfit that was incorrectly sized. When we finished shopping we all headed over to his brother Rick's house for the family birthday celebration. We had to hold it at Rick and Laura's because there were 20 people in attendance and there is no way we could have fit all of us comfortably in our apartment. Plus Rick has a Traeger BBQ thingy and so we provided fresh caught (from Ryan) salmon and Rick cooked it. It got VERY loud and plans were made for the upcoming holidays as well as vacation plans for next summer. A house boat for the "family" is appearing in our future from the plans made tonight. I am apprehensive about staying for seven days on a boat with 13 other people, even if they are the siblings and respective children. It will probably be fun, but we're gonna bring our boat to tie behind the house boat just in case we need an escape route. Over all I think Ryan's birthday was a success. It actually started last night when for the first time in nearly 10years I made his most favorite dinner for him. Pan seared *gag* medium rare steak, mashed potatoes-not from a packet! and onion rings. Now it's bed time and we're exhausted, so it must have been a success.

Pictures from Saturday's Birthday Celebration

I promised to post some pictures from Caitlin's Birthday weekend so here they are. I will warn you that this is going to be LONG... The T-shirts for the girls day at the spa.Left to Right: Alexandria, Gabrielle, Caitlin, Amelia, Faith

Helen painting Caitie's toes.

Amelia, Alexandria, Faith sitting still getting pretty.

Faith went first, they said "Breathe through the pain." As if that helps!

Amelia is so sweet, comforting Faith when it was over! Faith and Caitlin comfort each other....Caitie's Turn...

Checking to make sure the dots are aligned properly. Just about to do the first piercing, lucky to be sitting on mama Tina. OUCHIE!!! That HURTS!! She officially has pierced ears! She was more excited about it before they were pierced though:)Both girls with their pretty earrings. Now that it's all over the pain is forgotten and the beauty reigns! Time to get some icecream now! Then off to bed, ear piercing is exhausting!

Thankful to be Employed

Normally I wouldn't post anything about my job because frankly I think that it is boring and a monkey could do it if a monkey had the ability to vocalize, but I am today because I am actually THANKFUL to still be employed. This morning the boss lady announced that our state agency needs to come up with 2.5 million in budget cuts and so 10 people from our office (out of 24) are being laid off as of October 31. Now to be fair they were all gonna get laid off anyway because we work seasonally, I take December off and most of them take anywhere from 3-5 months off. Unfortunately this morning an announcement was made that we're having a hiring freeze until JULY! So they are off for (relatively) good. It's a pretty scary time for a lot of folks and I am just thankful that my boss found it in her budget to keep me on year round so that I won't have to look for another job and I can keep my health insurance benefits- which is pretty much the main reason I work here. Also because Ryan works in retail and is paid on commission, now is not the best time for me to lose my steady income! So here's to having a job even if we don't love it!

Caitlin is FIVE today!!

Well the day that Caitlin and I have been waiting for is finally here! October 20! Her 5th birthday. We've been celebrating all weekend and I scheduled myself off today so that Caitie and I could stay home and play all day. Today is all about breaking our typical parenting rules...so far we've gone out to breakfast at Burger King (because it is her favorite and I promised) and now we're home to veg out in front of the TV for her favorite movie Princess Diaries 2. The weekend was a ton of fun. Friday night Jantina brought Faith and Alexandria over for a sleep over and while the kids watched a movie with Daddy Ryan, Jantina and I decorated little white t-shirts with puffy paint that said FANTASTIC to be 5 with the kids names on them. Then Saturday morning we presented the T-shirts for the girls to wear to their spa-day. They were SO happy and excited. Caitie was pretty funny and immediately went running to get the t-shirt that my friend Traci made for our 30th birthday spa day and said "Mommy you have to wear your shirt if you're going to be our leader" The other four girls didn't quite understand why they had special shirts to wear but Caitlin got it right away and proceeded to explain to them the intricacies of having a true "girls day at the spa". She's such a funny little bossy bit. Because the nail salon is only about a half a block away we walked over and back. We fed them lunch when we got back and then although none of them take naps anymore we decided that it would be a good idea to rest for a while before leaving for the ear piercing. Sadly none of Caitie's school friends were able to make it to the movie date (Big Soccer Game for the little tykes scheduled for the middle of the party time). It turned out to be better, at least in my opinion, because five 5yr olds and three mommies is about my limit. After their "quiet rest time" we fed the little monkeys some more food and packed them into the car to go the body piercing studio.

It's called the Bad Kitties in Newberg. http://www.badkitties.net/ Jantina and I chose to take the girls to a body piercer instead of a place in the mall like Claire's because after lots of research we found that using a piercing gun is more traumatic to the tissue and more importantly there is no way to ensure cleanliness. They say that they'll wipe the gun down with an alcohol pad, but alcohol doesn't kill all blood borne pathogens. With a professional piercing artist everything goes into an autoclave and is sterilized. Plus piercer's have more than two weeks of training they way the mall stores do. Faith went first and after the first ear was pierced she decided it was too painful and she didn't want to do the second. Jantina bribed her with "two scoops" of ice cream when they got home and Faith negotiated for a triple scoop deal. She said "count them, one, two, three scoops!" Once it was over she was happy to have the earrings but I don't think she'd do it again. When it was Caitlin's turn she jumped right up and got ready. After the first needle went in she was kinda sad and cried for a few seconds and then sort of sat up and visibly braced herself for the next piercing. She's a toughie. I asked Caitie if the pain was worth the beauty and her answer was a resounding "YES!". What's a little pain when you look exquisite? (As Caitlin's idol Fancy Nancy would say, exquisite is even fancier than beautiful) Amelia is so empathetic that she cried each time the girls were pierced and as soon a Faith got down from the chair she rushed right over to give Faith a hug. After the piercings were complete Faith and Alexandria went to their respective homes and Amelia, Gabrielle and Caitlin all came back to our house for another sleepover. We were so exhausted after getting home from the body piercer that we went to bed at a normal time. Sunday morning Ryan made everyone, including Chandra-Mark-Lucas, and Cathy -Claude fresh from scratch buttermilk pancakes and for those who ate it bacon. Meaning Ryan and Mark got bacon and the rest of us had really yummy pancakes. Then Cathy and I escaped to Costco for a little while to develop the film from my camera. I still haven't replaced my digital after it took a swim in our cooler-oops. Luckily I bought 6 rolls of film to document the weekend and Chandra, Arda and Cathy had their digital cameras with them. Around 2 in the afternoon Ryan's brother Rick and his family (wife Laura, sons Jack and Sean and daughter Lucy) and his brother Matthew came over. Fortunately the weather was perfect so we walked over to the park next to our apartment to hit a pinata and then because Rick and Laura have boys who LOVE baseball, we used a tennis ball and the pinata stick to play a little ball. Then it was back to our house for cake ice cream and presents. All in all a fun weekend. To end the three days of fun, Ryan came home from work early today and we went out to dinner at Red Robin (another favorite) and then over to Bullwinkles Family Fun Center to play arcade games. Chani, Mark and Lucas joined us for an hour or so and now we are home and getting ready for bed. I think I should have scheduled tomorrow off also because I need a break from the birthday celebrations! And Ryan's birthday is this SUNDAY!! Then the next weekend is Arda's birthday! I am really looking forward to April when we don't have any birthday parties that I am currently aware of! Of course I am the one who usually plans these weekend long celebrations so I can't be upset at how tired I am when they're over. Plus I LOVE LOVE LOVE birthday's and I always have tons of fun. Tomorrow I will try to post the pictures from this weekend. Right now I am too tired and this blog is long enough.

I'm an ESME!

I found this quiz on my cousin Amy's blog and discovered that I'm an Esme! Granted I have no idea who Esme is but its still fun to play around with online personality tests.

Take the Quiz and Share Your Results!

My funny dream

Late last night/super early this morning I was having a REALLY weird dream about running away from something...I have no idea what I was running away from but that's not so much the point. In my dream I was running down a darkish alley around 4-5am, and I saw in my peripheral vision a kinda scary looking guy and big scary looking dog. I thought to myself, "wow that's a big scary dog, I had better be bigger and scarier to make it go away". So in my dream I started growling and getting ready to bark to make the dog go away. As it turns out I was growling, quite loudly in real life as well. I woke Ryan up. Oops. It was pretty funny when I woke up all the way. Ryan kept asking me "Why did you make that really LOUD noise? What's wrong?" I didn't understand what he was talking about at first but he kept asking me over and over "what was that loud noise coming out of you? and WHY were you making it?" Finally I became coherent enough to explain "I had to scare away the scary dog so I was growling" I love funny dreams.

Post something already!

Ok ya'll know who you are.. you check everyone's blogs every day and love reading about their lives and fun happenings-so POST SOMETHING ALREADY! The rest of us are waiting desperately for an update from you too! Ok that's my rant of the moment. Now here's an update from me. CAITLIN IS GONNA BE 5! on Monday! This Saturday is her "friend" party. It's gonna be so fun. First she and her best friend Faith are going to get their ears pierced in the morning. Then they're going to the spa with her cousin's Amelia and Gabrielle and her God-Cousin Alexandria for baby mani's and pedi's, then we're all coming back to our house where some of her preschool friends are coming over to eat popcorn, cake and ice cream and watch a movie on our enormous TV (that really belongs in a MUCH larger room). I can hardly wait. I LOVE LOVE LOVE birthdays!

Back to Doernbecher's....

This time for a scheduled appointment with gastroenterologist for Caitlin. Possibly as result of being 10 weeks premature Caitie has acid reflux disease which we've been treating fairly successfully with once a day Prev acid. This appointment took four months to get, so even though she hasn't been displaying any symptoms lately we weren't going to cancel. The doctor said that pretty much since she didn't out grow her GERD by two years old she's gonna have it for the rest of her life. So today the doctor ordered a blood draw (Caitlin's first) and an Upper GI X-Ray. The blood draw was definitely more heart breaking for me than my little munchkin. She didn't cry or whine or even whimper. We explained in detail what the phlebotomist was going to do prior to sticking her with the needle which probably helped a lot and when it was over they gave her a play dough pack. I am seriously jealous of kids now. My doctor doesn't give me cool toys when I get blood drawn! I don't even get a sticker! She will have the x-ray a week from tomorrow and Ryan will take her to that appointment. Then we'll follow up with another visit to the gastroenterologist in 6 weeks to discuss the results. We pretty much decided that we're going to stay with the current treatment plan for the next year or so. The only other option is surgical and that seems a mite drastic at this stage of the game.

Lets all cheer for the begining of FALL!

Hooray for October! I know that Fall officially began a little while ago, but for me the first day of October is really the beginning of Fall. I LOVE the holiday season... ALL OF IT. Caitlin and I are going to create Halloween decorations for the windows tonight. She's already decided that she wants to be a cheerleader this year so we have to start thinking about costumes-either making one (yeah right) or buying one (way more realistic). I would love to say that I will post pictures but since my digital camera took a swim a couple of days ago... I don't know how quickly I can get film to the processor and back. My schedule just doesn't ever seem to include bringing the film with me when I go to Costco! Maybe I'll borrow someone else's camera to show off our beautiful decorations:) Hooray for the Holidays!

It's been too long

So I have been quite remiss in posting lately and there is SO much to tell you about. Since the end of August I have celebrated Labor day weekend, supported my darling friend Shannon and her husband through a traumatic trip to Doernbecher's Children's hospital with my 10 week old Godson, celebrated my 30th birthday, celebrated my friend Traci's 30th birthday, and taken Caitlin to her first ever horse back riding lesson. I am sure more has happened since I last posted but I can't think of it all right now. So I will start with the traumatic trip to the children's hospital...
Matthew has since birth had problems eating. He would spit up constantly, cry for endless hours and be nearly inconsolable. Shannon tried changing her diet to eliminate anything that may cause gas, took him to the doctor and had him diagnosed with GERD or Gastroesophageal reflux disease and put him on an Baby Prevacid, well actually I think it was something like Ranitidine but the point remains it was an antacid. That didn't seem to be helping so she switched to formula and stopped breast feeding. Then she switched to formula for lactose intolerance and then to AR (added Rice) then when he managed to project vomit from the back seat of a Ford Expedition onto the back window- a few feet away- she took him back to the doctor and then to the emergency room. They tried 4 times before the were able to get a needle into his little veins (that were too dehydrated) to draw blood. Poor baby. Following the visit to the ER she went back to the pediatrician who ordered nothing by mouth after midnight on Wednesday so she could do a barium test. Talk about torture! The barium test showed that he had a pyloric stenosis which essentially means the opening from his stomach to his intestine was not opening and he was not getting any nutrition. So they sent him up to OHSU (Oregon Health Science University) to the children's hospital for "emergency" surgery. Unfortunately on the way to the hospital there was an accident and all of the operating rooms were suddenly filled with more life threatening emergencies. So they needed to give Matt an IV for fluids until he could have his surgery the next day. While they were on the way to the hospital, they called me so I left work and met them at the hospital. As a side note to this story; Shannon and John are Catholic and Matthew had not yet been baptized. So we called for a Priest to meet us at the hospital. He was wonderfully accepting and arrived only minutes before the first of the IV teams. The Priest didn't know that we wanted him baptized so he didn't exactly come prepared for that, but we improvised. We utilized the cap of a bottle for the water, which came from the tap in the room, and the Priest said that as an Episcopalian I was a cousin to the Catholics and Shannon is actually Lutheran so she was a cousin on the other side of the family. It was beautiful! Then the true torture began. The IV teams go from room to room starting IVs and after about 5 or six unsuccessful tries the first team gave up. John was supposed to stay during the torture session but then surgeon came to talk to them and so I stayed for a little while. Then John and I switched and Shannon and I went to dinner. When we came back we were sure that the IV would be started. It wasn't and a second IV team had come in. Another 7 or 8 pokes later an IV still wasn't started, John had stepped out to be with his wife and I took over for the last half of that teams efforts. Poor Shannon was just in tears, Matthew was in pain, angry and scared so I held him for a few minutes to calm him until Shannon came back and John went for food. Then I stepped out of the room to get the nurse to ask for some kind of pain relief for Matt and also to give Shannon a few minutes of privacy with her son. The nurse explained that his pain, while important, was a secondary concern to his dehydration and they didn't think they could do anything until the IV was started, so they had called in a "Panda" team which is a pediatric emergency response team. I stayed in the hall for a few minutes just crying and generally feeling sick and Matt isn't even my own baby so I can only imagine how horrid it must have been for Shannon and John. Well the nurse came back with a Tylenol suppository and then with a NICU nurse to try one more time with the IV. Shannon and John stepped out to talk to the doctors again so I stayed and as a horrible auntie helped hold my extremely strong Godson down while they started the IV. The sweet NICU nurse tried once in his head and at first we thought it was gonna work but then the vein 'blew-out' like all the others had and it was back to square one. She tried one more time in his ankle/foot and it worked. Of course I should mention that there were 3 nurses and myself holding this poor baby down but once the IV was started they taped his leg to a foot board so he wouldn't accidentally dislodge the IV. After that extremely difficult task was completed EVERYONE was very relieved. I thought that since the worst part was over I would leave and let the parents spend some quiet time with their son and each other but then Shannon started having a rather frightening panic attack and so John took her to the emergency room, and yet again I stayed with Matthew. Not that I minded, I absolutely adore my Godson, and he was no longer screaming so it was a joy to be able to hold and cuddle him. About an hour later John came back and said Shannon was just gonna have to tough it out in the ER by herself for a while because it was getting so late and I still had to get Caitlin from the babysitters. Shannon eventually calmed down on her own and went back to their room and the surgery was performed easily on Friday Sept 5, my 30th birthday. Matthew recovered beautifully and is now able to eat and grow like there was never a problem. While he won't remember this event I know that Shannon, John and I will NEVER forget it. The important part though is that the surgery was successful, the baptism was successful- even if all the God Parents weren't present, and Matthew is healthy. Thank God.

Update on the Headband

I would have won my money on the Ogre issue. Caitlin was THRILLED to see me when I picked her up from school. She did not suffer any lasting ill effects from our morning disagreement and in fact she told me that she doesn't want to wear the "crown headband" to school any more because it doesn't have any "catchers" ie teeth to pull her hair back and is therefore uncomfortable. ARRGH! If she would have listened to me in the first place this wouldn't have been an issue. Ok I have officially turned into my mother with that statement. Lucky me I like my mother. Our evening together was uneventful and pleasant, just the way it should be. We tried to play some games together on Sproutonline.com but got discouraged when the computer kept telling us that the site was unavailable only to become available when we clicked the 'back' button. So we decided to read some stories instead. Now she's asleep and I am reflecting on what I could have done differently so that I didn't spend the day feeling guilty. Live and Learn I suppose.

Headband Hell

So on Sunday Caitlin and I went school clothes shopping for Ally-bug with Ally and her mom at the beach. Ally starts kindergarten this fall so it was a "girls day" at the beach. Well, almost a girls day. Baby Matthew was allowed to tag along, but being the sweetheart that he is, he slept most of the time. Our original intent had been to have a picnic lunch on the beach after shopping, unfortunately it rained. So we wandered through the outlet mall in Lincoln City and bought the girls "princess crowns" and had a picnic in the car while looking at the beach. Caitlin was especially good because we were not shopping for her-only Ally. She mentioned a couple of times that it was hard to shop for someone else and not get anything for herself. When it's her turn in a couple of weeks to go shopping for new fall/winter clothes she's not going to take anyone with her except Mommy and Daddy. All in all the day was pretty fun. Then yesterday Caitlin decided that she had to wear her new crown to school and life was good. Today on the other hand when it came time to walk out the door, she decided that she need to wear the crown again, only it had to pull her bangs back.

I tried to put the stinkin' thing on the way she wanted but after 3 absolutely "unacceptable" attempts she started a full on foot stomping, arm flailing, scream fit. Which pretty much hit all of my buttons and made me consider breaking the new prized crown in half and dumping it in the garbage. Which I of course told her would happen if she didn't get herself under control. My daughter is incredibly intelligent and so stopped said temper trantrum- for about 5seconds. Then it turned into a whining 'you're not doing it right' fit to which I asked her "does this whiney behavior EVER get you what you want?" She answered "No it gets me into timeout." SO WHY OH WHY does she do this stuff- and why more importantly does she do it when we're walking out the door?! We made it to school and work on time, but the entire three minute drive from home to daycare was spent getting a lecture, for which I (at the end) felt guitly about because when we got to the school she asked for a napkin to dry her tears. She had been silently crying the whole way to school while I lectured on appropriate behavior regarding head bands and getting dressed. I didn't have time to snuggle her as long as I wanted before I had to leave for work from her daycare so I left her tennis shoes (which she has to wear instead of the flip-flops that she went to school in) for her teachers to help her put on, gave her a hug and a kiss and walked out the door. Because I was feeling guilty about our fight this morning, really who is the adult here?(I should have handled it differently- I could have just said ok we'll fix it at school let's go instead of saying FINE YOU DO IT ), I called her school to talk to her for a minute. The child REJECTED my call, she told her teacher she didn't want to talk to me. I didn't give her the choice, I told the teacher to put her on the phone anyway. She had a smile in her voice when she talked to me and acted like it was all no big deal, while I went on about my day with a stomach ache because I have felt so bad about having a fight first thing in the morning! Seriously, children should not have the ability to cause their parents so much grief! Granted my mother would probably say this was payback for having been a completely rotten child- but still! We'll see what the true result is when I pick her up at the end of the day, since I am just on my lunch break now, but I'd be willing to put money down that I will still feel like an ogre and she will be just fine.

Rafting pictures

Here are some shots from Ryan's rafting trip. I think I am jealous! I should have been irresponsible and called in "sick"! Oh well that's just not practical, Caitlin gets sick too often for real. Maybe next year we won't have any family emergencies and I will take a real vacation. Enjoy the pictures.For those of you who don't know Ryan yet, he is the one holding the oar out of water and not wearing a hat. At least he has a life jacket on today!Ryan was in the boat with his cousin Cecelia and brother Matthew. Cecelia is in the front wearing a gray cap and Matthew is behind her in a black baseball cap.

Our 3 Year Wedding Annivesary

Well today is our third wedding anniversary. Next April we'll celebrate 10!years together, and I will make sure to take time off for that momentous occasion. Under normal circumstances I would have spent today with my wonderful, generous, loyal, kindhearted, funny, loving husband. But this year has not been normal. Heartbreaking, eye-opening, and educational, but not normal. Because I took a little more than a month of leave in April and May and have subsequently taken many individual days off I could not really afford to take today off to go with Ryan to the Deschutes River where he was rafting. Instead I very practically went to work, came home, cleaned the kitchen, did the laundry, vacuumed and steam cleaned the carpets, took out the trash, changed the cat litter and listened to the radio. Sometimes being a responsible adult bites. Although I will admit it is nice to look around the living room and dining room and see clean floors, clear counters and a semblance of organization. Ryan said he bought the CD of photos from the rafting company showing them going through the rapids so maybe I'll be able to post those soon. Caitlin and Ryan left yesterday and camped outside of Maupin with a lot of his family. Ryan's mom and sister stayed in the campsite today with Caitlin and his sisters twins Gioia (pronounced Joy-uh) and Ian while the rest of the adults went out on the water. It sounds like the adults had a pretty good time, and since Caitlin loves camping she probably did too. My day wasn't as exciting, but at least it was productive.

The week in review

WOW! That's all I can say about the past week. I had grand intentions of posting every night while Caitie went to sleep but like I said last week, I thought I would be exhausted after Saturday and I was. Holding Matthew was so wonderful, just like I thought it would be. He is such a snuggle bug and smells so sweet like all babies do. I was also right, Shannon was thrilled to let me take him to my room for the night:) Too bad for her there wasn't enough milk to last all night so when he woke up to eat at 3am I brought him straight into her room and that is where is he stayed the rest of the night. Lucky for me Caitie knows the meaning of sleep in so we stayed in bed until 9am, unlucky for Shannon her kids got up for the day around 7am. We played all morning and early afternoon at home and then went to a party at one of Ryan's co-workers where we had a BBQ in the afternoon and then left that party to go to Ryan's older brothers for Sunday dinner with all of his siblings and a few cousins. All in all the weekend was quite full. Fun, entertaining, and busy. Unfortunately I don't have any pictures from this week because I misplaced the memory card reader with the card inside of it until just a day or so ago. After the busy weekend it was back to work and daycare as usual- for all of one day. I thought we would just relax in the evening but then we decided to invite Chandra Mark and Lucas to come over for dinner. On Tuesday we played in the park we our friend Paul and his son Dominic, then went over to their new house for dinner with Paul's wife Sam. Wednesday we drove to McMinnville (an hour away) so Ryan could get some help with repairing his boat motor and we saw Shannon and the kids again. Thursday was really long because Ryan and Caitlin went with Shannon's dad and Alexandria to the beach to go crabbing ALL DAY LONG! They didn't get home until 11:30 at night. While they were busy on the water, I went to see "Dark Knight" with Mark. It was surprisingly good, then again I pretty much like any action oriented flick. My favorite movies are still romantic comedy, but once in a while you just need some good ol' fashioned booty whoopin'. Luckily Caitlin went to sleep at 9pm on the way home so at least she wasn't up too late. On Friday Caitie went on a field trip with her class mates in the morning, then Mark, Chandra, and Lucas picked her up from school and drove her back to the beach to Grandma and Grandpa's house for a sleep over. Which meant Ryan and I were able to celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary a few days early. At least until bed time when Caitie had a complete meltdown because she was so over tired. She slept most of the day away on the boat while they were crabbing but she didn't have a nap at all on Friday. I don't know what they did all afternoon but I do know that they went swimming at the public pool in the evening. When they got home and started getting ready for bed I got a phone call. Right in the middle of our dinner. So in effort not to disturb other diners, I took the phone outside and sang Caitie songs, said bedtime prayers and promised to see her later today. She was so tired that it took a really long time for her to calm down, which in turn meant that I pretty much missed most of my lovely dinner. It also meant that our promise not to talk about our child or anything not related to just "us" went out the window mid date. Oh well, that's what happens when you have kids. Last week and last weekend were so go go go that our plan for the coming week is to relax. I doubt it will happen that way, especially since this afternoon we are on our way down to the beach to celebrate Chandra's birthday and get our kid back. Oh yeah and more crabbing tomorrow, but really after that we're done for a while....At least until the next invitation we can't resist extending or accepting:)

Fun in the Park

So Caitlin is definitely "all better" and today was FUN IN THE PARK. Every year our town puts on a free kids day in the park next to our apartment and local vendors sponsor jumping structures, clowns, mimes, balloonists, face painters and temporary tattoo artists and a TON of other activities just for fun. Of course there are options to purchase services, sign up for new doctors and dentists and food to eat but all the activities are free and you can pack a picnic lunch if you don't want to buy pizza or greasy noodles. Caitlin and I took her cousin 'Little Luke' and wandered around. We went down a jumpy structure slide that of course Lucas was too small to go on alone so I had to go with him and when we got to the bottom I was VERY embarrassed to face plant trying to get off the thing. But it was either eat dirt or drop a 1 year old. So of course I ate dirt. We shared ice cream and Lucas knuckle bumped one of the vendors who was SO excited that he had to get his wife to come watch Lucas do it again and then reward Lucas with a pencil. After two exhausting hours (chasing a 4 yr old who is chasing a 1 yr old is too much!) Caitie and Lucas got tattoos and we went home.

Want a bite? Cake Batter icecream at Cold Stone is the BEST!

Sleepy little soccer boy
Pink is the most beautiful color after all....

I was ready for a nap and desperately hoped both kids would fall asleep so I could too... But alas Caitlin, the never ending ball of energy, didn't want to sleep, she wanted to color, then she wanted to have a sleep over. I couldn't really think of a better excuse to say no other than that I wanted a nap, so I said OK and invited my God-Children 5 year old Alexandria and 6 week old Matthew to come have a sleep over tonight. Their mom is driving them over as we speak. I am sure she agreed because she's planning on a restfull nights sleep since I'll get up with the baby as long as she has pumped enough milk. All in all I think today was fun and this evening will be too. Exhausting but fun.