Warning..long winded and whiny

First let me start by saying that the following is going to be long winded and whiny. I am feeling icky in the soul right now, not to mention the major attack of PMS, and I feel the need to vent so skip this post if you don't want to listen to my complaining. I promise to post happy Christmas memories soon but I need to get this off my chest now because for the second night in a row I am up unable to sleep worrying.
Here goes.....

I am struggling with my faith. Which is something very odd for me because while I tend to not be preachy about my faith, it has always been VERY important to me and a very integral part of who I am. I am struggling because I am so ANGRY with God. I can't understand why someone who loves us so much can allow us to experience such pain and loss. What is the purpose for it?
I haven't been to church since the "remember the people" service at the end of May. They asked me to come and stand in for a set of parents who had lost their young son. Some of the people knew that I had also just experienced the same loss, but many, including the lady who asked didn't know those details. When she found out she was very kind and offered to find another person to stand in for these parents, but at the time I was still in a bit of shock myself and felt like I should do this. I ended up leaving in tears and haven't been back since. That's not to say that I haven't prayed or raged as needed, its just that I haven't been back to church. Father Tony- the priest at my church- said that God has a good sense of self esteem and that I should just rage and yell as much as I need to, He can take it. I have tried that, and while sometimes it helps, other times its just not enough. I felt like enough time had past since May when we suffered this loss, so I tried to go to church this morning, but when it came down to it I couldn't go. I feel such hurt and anger in my heart that I want to punish God the way I feel like He is punishing me. I have been reading my friends blogs and some of their friends blogs- they all seem so strong in their faith that God is in control and he has a plan for them and their lives and it makes me seriously question my faith. If I am not being punished then why did this happen? One of my friends said that maybe it wasn't God, maybe it was the Devil, and so I should place my anger and blame in the correct direction, but sometimes its too hard to do that. I feel as though God had the ability to prevent this from happening. I did EVERYTHING right this time. I was a.) Married. b.) Financially prepared c.) Healthy- eating right, exercising (and I hate to exercise). I even waited through three sets of blood tests and an early ultra sound appointment to tell Caitlin. Nothing like a previous miscarriage to make someone cautious. His little heart beat was so strong, both at the 9 week ultrasound and the 12 week ultrasound. The doctors said that his heart was working double time to compensate for having only 3 heart chambers. They also told me it's not any ones fault, trisomy thirteen is just a genetic anomaly and it's relatively rare. I was very low risk for any genetic defects. Unfortunately I seem to be the queen of the "very low risk". Like the chances of me having Caitlin 2 and 1/2 months early- less than 20%. Guess what- My liver and kidneys shut down and she was born by emergency c-section 2 and 1/2 months early. The chances of the polydactyly that was discovered in an ultrasound being caused by trisomy 13? Less than 5%. I know this because I underwent a very painful CVS(chorionic villus sampling) test which should have taken 10 or less minutes and lasted a little over a half an hour. The results of which should have been back in a week and took 3 weeks to come back. To be fair the initial results- which were 95% accurate came back only a few days later and they were negative for Trisomy 13- a fatal condition, Trisomy 18- also a fatal condition, and Trisomy 21- Downs syndrome, which is what I was praying for when the ultrasound showed severe birth defects. At least with that one there was a chance for survival. But the initial results were wrong which is why it took so long to get the final results because they had the director of the lab reviewing the case and they decided to let the cells grow out longer just to be sure. Meanwhile I was becoming more and more attached emotionally to this child growing inside me and then I felt him start moving and he became impossibly real. It wasn't enough that my tummy was growing and body changing, but I could FEEL him. If God was gonna call him back to heaven anyway why let it go that far? Why not just have the pregnancy end in early miscarriage the way the last one did? As painful as that was, this was 100 times worse. This baby was REAL. So here I am more than six months later still struggling with this loss. I went to counseling a couple times a week for months until my counselor told me that I was "cured" there was nothing else she could help me with, I had all the tools that I needed to grieve this loss and now only time would help. I feel like enough time has past. I should have accepted this by now. What is WRONG WITH ME!!?? My mother in law- who is a nurse midwife- said that the grief process generally lasts a year and I am beginning to believe her. Most days I feel OK, like I have accepted this and I'm able to move on and then other days- like today- I feel a nearly overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. We lost our seven year old dog only a few weeks after losing our baby and I don't feel the same sense of sadness over that loss. Why is that? Casey had cancer and died only 3 weeks after the diagnosis, I had months to prepare for the loss of this child and yet I still became so attached in such a short time. So that even now all these months later my throat actually aches with the need to cry and scream and rage. When I went in to see my counselor after his due date, she said that certain times of year were likely to trigger this response- the time of conception, (we planned this pregnancy so I know exactly when we conceived) the expected date of delivery (already had that trigger, it sucked and sent me back to her office) and again at the time of loss (I am sure it's going to be the most painful yet). I cried on Ryan's shoulder tonight off and on for a few hours and then got mad at him because he doesn't feel the same overwhelming emotions that I do. He's just so much stronger than I am. He is grateful to have Caitlin, and willing to try again if I still want more kids. Which I do, but I am not particularly interested in trying again, at least right now. First of all I don't like being pregnant, its nauseating, fattening, tiring and hasn't really worked out the way I wanted or expected in the past. Second of all I have a fear of failure and three times now I have failed to carry a pregnancy to term. At least with the first one I eventually got to bring home a child. I want someone else to have a baby and give it to me. I used to want 6 kids. Now I am not sure if I could handle them. Maybe that is why I have only one. Maybe God does have a plan for me and He knows that I would run away screaming if He allowed me to have 6. But if that is the case, why let me get pregnant at all? Why torture me with the guilt that I feel because I couldn't protect the ones that I have carried? I am so angry and frustrated and I want my faith to be strong enough to get me through this time and I don't know if it is. I am so afraid of losing my faith entirely and yet I can't even make myself walk into the church to ask for help.
Thanks for listening if you did read through this entire post. It helped just to "talk it out". I have one more opportunity to go to church before the end of the year, on New Years Eve, my church offers a noon Eucharist on Wednesdays. I pray that I will find the strength to go in before the year is over.