I Don't Have To Like It

Please allow me offer some background for those of you who don't already know this stuff. Until the middle of last year Caitlin has slept in our bedroom since the day we brought her home from the hospital. At first we had family bed, then she had her own bed in our bedroom, and then her own bed in her own room, but she would still come to our bedroom in the middle of the night. Finally (in the last two months) I got to the point that I was willing to get up to put her back into her own room every time she came into mine in the middle of the night. Those "back to your own bed/room" trips lasted only three nights before she was consistently sleeping through the entire night in her own room. All this time I have been saying that "she wasn't ready" to sleep in her own room, well clearly that wasn't the case now was it? Since it took only three nights of me consistently putting her back into her own room. Then last night I decided that since she was already asleep and we were going to watch television that I would close her bedroom door so the noise didn't disturb her. It became a problem when I couldn't find the baby monitor that used to reside in her bedroom. Suddenly the thought of closing her door became abhorrent to me! What if someone tried to break in her bedroom window and I didn't hear them over the noise of the TV? What if she woke up and cried out, or fell out of bed and needed me and I didn't hear hear? What if, What if, What if.... I simply COULD NOT force myself to close her bedroom door. I even tried putting Emily in and shutting the door because at least if someone tried to break in then the dog would be there for her protection. However, after only 5 minutes I was back opening the door, ostensibly 'just to check' that Emily wasn't chewing up Caitlin's toys, but really to check that she wasn't suddenly choking and not breathing. I wouldn't know if she stopped breathing even if her door was open, but still I couldn't bring myself to leave it closed. Being a parent really sucks sometimes. If she sleeps through the whole night without waking up, then she no longer needs me for that middle of the night comfort. If I close her bedroom door then she has 'grown up' enough to not need instant and immediate access to me. I simultaneously want my baby to both grow up strong and independent and to need me to take care of her completely. I get frustrated when she doesn't want to 'expand her horizons' and then I get frustrated when she does. Good grief. I can see now why some parents have 15 kids- there is always someone who needs them and it's much easier to let the big ones grow the way they need to when there is another little one waiting to be cuddled. Control freaks should really think long and hard before having kids, because kids are a serious lesson in letting go. I may have to let go, but I don't have to like it.